Sitting down to write again, now in my new sweet, warm workspace… incense and the tapping syncopated rhythm of raindrops on the cool tin roof – music to keep my fingers dancing by.
The wind blew in swiftly tonight, casting the trees in circle sweeps, dancing round the ladder’s tallest vantage point and whipping leafy spirals around the garden house’s window trellis and opposing stormy backdrop. Sunset – the angle of time as the sun nonchalantly slips behind the curtain of the western hillside.
A rush of salty wet winds from from the west, ocean bluster swiftly and sweetly changing the scene, shifting the energy. I was sitting on my ladder perch, meditating on the current steps that i am taking in my life, meditating on writing again. I have given myself the time. Without knowing exactly that means, I have known I’ve had to let myself relax a little, just be. Be at peace.
It was last Monday that I got the keys to my new wonderland work space… so tranquil. I have been sleeping soundly in forgotton-ways for the first time in since-when-i-dont-even-remember.
Reforming my practices. Working with my lessons. Sitting back down newly with the keys, connecting the hands with the mind and spirit. Coming back around to the page. It’s funny, writing itself is a bit of a love affair, a beautiful exchange, expression – and a pursuit, secretive sometimes, or blooming vibrantly, opening like a rose. The dream of the muse likes to be seduced, the muse then whispers sweet everythings and nothings into sleeping minds and quiet hearts, in the night under cover of the stars.
It gives me so much to write. I feel something inside of me glowing when I do, when I feed fuel to the embers by giving spirit to action.
I watched the dream sign turn from silver – pixelated dancing pops and flashes on the hillside, into deeper shades of grey with the settling of the sky into night. The nestling of the shadows over the land.
Musing back over last night’s incredible sunset at the edge of highway 1, overlooking her majesty’s royal blues. The edge of the world. An enormous raven circled just over my head three times, I felt it’s wings shoot me a star beam to the chest.
I have been both letting go and forming things anew. I’m feeling kinda docile, cozy in my warm space, without feeling the need to run outside or step away, I can just be. This is a real practice for me. I think maybe this is a sort of incubation zone, to ease into my becoming, this liberation, and freedom of expression. There was a min there where I realized I was just kinda “bracing” myself for whatever was coming next, and I think I finally wore myself out of that. Tranquility reigns supreme. Right now this is my practice, and my world from the inside out is a tropical paradise.
I slept through the entire weekend, I must have needed it. 4 pm Saturday I took a nap that lasted late into Sunday morning, quite unheard of for me. Pink moon, then Easter Sunday. Rest, regeneration.
Red star vignettes flash in through my memory, leaving me short of breath for a surprise split second. Otherworldly. hehe. And then back to today’s reality. On the star note I left last Monday for Elegua, it felt appropriate to write “thank my lucky stars” Yes that checks out.
Star note I picked up a moment ago before sitting down to write – Time bank. Gonna start saving lots and lots of time. –Now learning to work with myself and less so much against, as I realize I can just walk forward instead of running around in circles now that I’m learning how to see newly/&onceagain. Slowly. Just on time. Hopefullllllll yyy xxxx jusssst on time %*&$#@*
“Just on time” was the phrase the pilates instructor used when I called the other day to say that I was running late, that I would be there EXACTLY when class started, and asked if they could please not lock me out if at all possible. He told me that there were a few people in class who were going to be showing up… “just on time”.
What fun.
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It was a few nights ago while I was at my mom’s – I couldn’t stay because the smell of martinis made me feel sick.. I’ve been more and more sensitive – smells of the things I have been letting go of, my body I feel subtly rejecting.. tobacco.. even santa maria’s greens less and less so these days, and it feels a bit more quiet now in this mental space. Just feeling it out. Bit by bit.
As I was on my way out the door, her husband asked if I had ever read The Four Agreements – he told me he had an audiobook cd that I could listen to on my drive, on my upcoming journey this weekend.
A bit relieved for the reminder, as I have been avoiding my studies, and have fallen behind in the book study group of another of Don Miguel Ruiz’s books, an important part of the curriculum – The Mastery of Love.
I have always been so stubborn as a student, having to do it my own way, and in my own timing. I took a test once that told me that i have a unique learning style, an inventor style learner they called it – i have to create or invent something in order to learn it… for example I must write a song with an instrument to learn how to play the instrument…
And now I am learning new ways to learn. Such as sitting down and studying. Hahaha. And I see that participation is really really important. And practice.
I be bouncin out the brain-naysayers that try to waste precious time throwing around ifs & buts, whathaveyous and whatnots. Just moving forward, step by step, one foot in front of the other, without distraction of hesitation taking over one’s mental-physical time-space. I am working on my focus, on my practice, on my peace. I believe this will generate more tangibility than the shuffling around of the millions of tiny blue and green papers that I’ve been doing all this time. (The tiny blue and green papers are also really happy to find their place on my wall with the star notes and neon disco ball’s dancing lights – now having found the beginning stages of order emerging from chaos).
I teared up a bit yesterday in the parking lot of the oil change place, listening to the Mastery of Love… this part about a star, kinda made me tear up… and I laughed, sitting there looking ridiculous in the asphalt oasis, it’s all quite beautiful, and so simple… so simply expressed – I never knew in all my searching of the dramas of complexity.
Lastnight as I was exiting paradise.. walking out to wonderland.. my roommate and old buddy sitting on the stage asked me if I was leaving. And I told him I was just going out to go to sleep. Something about the inflection in his voice…. idk, kinda bittersweet… And the song on the radio right now is a pretty piano version of Let it Be. So…
I’m real happy for this life. I have so much appreciation for all of it’s colors, tones, lights, shadows, textures, rhythms, all it’s surprise friends, all it’s loved ones, all the simple sweet vignettes. I can love it so much, and I can also embrace what it is that is coming next. I feel myself shifting, that is all I know, and I am smiling big and bright through my tears of joy and letting go. Tilling the garden soil of tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow.
