I have been taking my process step by step. Thinking fast and slow at the same time. I have been working hard, and part of me also feels in delay – the part of me that screams “The clock is ticking!” Though I also sense that everything is in it’s right place, in perfect timing and form.
I have been intentionally shifting the way I go about things (internally/externally) piece, by piece – shifting the way I view the obstacles of the mind that I create. Unlock the puzzle of my own psychology, so that I can pass GO – collect my BONUS$$$, move up to the next level.
Rather than destroy myself for not being in perfect harmony with my soul’s vision, I have been focusing more on nourishing myself (with my thoughts, with my actions), coming from the place of the X inside my core – my strength, my brilliance – let it glow.
I think about the conversation I had the other day with Tomorrow (she told me her name means “tomorrow”). She and I tend to get into deep conversations with a quick openness – often when our paths meet in the kitchen.
“Well the hope is that if you are able to shift the thing inside of you that is off balance, then whatever is no longer serving… it will naturally fall away – now that you are holding a different energetic space in your body, and in your consciousness – attracting new forms of energy that reflect what you are emanating, that reflect the intention you have made for yourself, and have set on its course.”
Yes, with each tile I have set, the mosaic has grown, taking it’s own shape. In my art, in my thoughts, in my habits, in my body, the kaleidoscope grows. There is still more to surrender, to lay down, let pass into the pages of history.
—
It was a few days before Christmas that I had asked a spiritual advisor to do a Tarot spread for me.
“One thing I would like to ask – Why has it been so difficult for me to let go of smoking tobacco? I have felt very torn – that in spite of the obvious health risks – that it serves me in some way, it has definitely helped me process anxiety. But literally ALL of the signs around me tell me that this is an extremely important key.”
I think about The Little Mermaid.
She told me that the fire was grounding for me, the ceremony, being outdoors with the elements… That I spend a lot of time above my body in the astral realm, the realm of thoughts and ideas, and that I will have to find a way to create grounding for myself in new ways.
***incoming signal*** (commercials click by on the TV down the hall) “Do your hair up high! Not like its a contest or anything! Ahh, the silent type I see.” **click** “Ive seen every road in the ceiling…” **click** “When you are free of addiction but not your hard work, when there is no food in the cupboard yet drive keeps you going………thanks to you hope marches on.”
I pick up my log book to jot down some notes, and find a postit stuck to the back of the leather binding-
“There’s Freedom in Commitment.”
~~~~~
