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Love has always been the thing to guide me, I was taught this from an early age.  I guess requited or not, – the story element, the building up of hope, the dream of love, the dream of a beautiful life has always lead me…. It is the thing that has made me fight tooth and claw from the underground, from below sea level, I have made it far in my life from where I have been, and I will never give up, die trying maybe, but thats life anyway isn’t it….  I think it has made me fight harder to create beauty in my world, in myself, so I am glad for the bumps and bashes.

There’s a whole lot of family stuff rn that I haven’t been able or available to talk about. I am doing the things I need to do in order to move forward, setting up my life, trying to help set up the lives of my loved ones. – It is in a whirlwind of external chaos that I do this, and it feels sad and extremely tiring to be living out this lesson – these lessons so intensely right now.

Hell and earth.  Music.  That is the thing I keep thinking of.  In the moment of hell where not even words could express, and have been difficult to return to, it is music that I felt in my heart that can be the way through.  And love. but there is only so much of that available from external sources it seems.

As always it feels decent getting back to the page, it is what I have been avoiding in my agony of self narration over these past 7 days.  What I am really needing right now is company.

I have moments in the morning where I feel like it is a new day, and moments in the night like right now where I want to have more options than just sitting alone to an empty page.  

I invited my roommate out for karaoke tonight, it has been so long since I’ve been out, and I found online that an old friend is still doing karaoke dj nightat one of my old hideouts. 

These feel like desolate times, with interactions few and far between.  And I know I just have to keep doing what I’m doing.  Keep going.

All day I have had this song in my head “When do I get to sing my way?  When do I get to sing like Sinatra?  When do I get to do it my way? – In heaven or hell?”